For the Happiest Life, Learn to be Authentic
We are each born as totally authentic beings. Then something happens. From the time we are tiny, society starts telling us exactly how to think, what to believe, how to act, how to dress, etc.
These ideas are not offered as helpful suggestions. Rather they are introduced within a system of societal punishment and reward. You will be rewarded with society’s approval if you follow the status quo, and you might be ridiculed or ostracized if you don’t.
Some people are really good at fitting in. Others are not. But nonetheless, this is society’s stated goal: Fit in, or else.
My Personal Experience
I know from first-hand experience what it’s like to try to fit in, when there is no way to do so and still be authentic.
It happened in the course of raising my two children.
Here is the authentic me: I am a channel and a walk-in. I have daily interaction with the loving, fantastic, inter-dimensional beings of Telstar. My reference points are not a product of the current situation that has existed on this planet for many thousands of years. This is all very normal for me.
In my work as Telstar, people say they have benefited greatly from all of this, and people from all walks of life say that it has dramatically transformed their lives for the better.
But when you have two young children who are heavily involved in regular kids’ activities, you find yourself in the daily company of parents who might be horrified at what I just wrote above. And who might decide to ostracize your children due to their mother’s “weird ways”.
So, in order to protect my children, I decided to live a double life. When in the company of these other parents, I chose to stay quiet, share as little as possible about myself, and do my best to pretend to be like everybody else.
But this took a tremendous toll on me. I thought I would be just fine at first, as I had noble intentions. Protect my kids, and avoid offending anyone who would not be interested in my work and what I was really about.
But the wear and tear of flipping back and forth from my true self to this fake self on a daily basis was just too much. It was exhausting! And painful. And I have to say that the fake self was incredibly boring – even to me. When interacting from that place, I felt like an empty shell with no substance. I had to reign in all of my natural self-expression and reduce myself to being good at “small talk”. And small talk is a perfect phrase, because boy, did I feel small! During those interactions, I was literally just a fragment of my real self.
What are the consequences of fitting in?
Fortunately for me, this way of being was only a small part of my larger life, and now it’s over. But for some people, it becomes their entire life.
The consequences of fitting in, when it is not who you are, can be truly tragic. That tragedy becomes apparent when a person realizes that they are on the path of a wasted life, and have never even entered the road of their true potential. In fact, if you have done this, you may have exited the path of your real potential early on in life. You may have been convinced that reaching the status quo was going to be your best achievement. Learning to be like everyone else was going to exist as the pinnacle of your life.
But our creator is not in the business of producing human clones. God produces rich diversity in humanity, with an unlimited source of multi-talented individuals. Each one of us is unique and special in our own way. We are actually empowered by our individuality!
If you have spent a lifetime trying to fit in, then what you have actually done is to turn against yourself. You have unwittingly decided that who you are is not acceptable to the rest of the world.
This is the ultimate in self-repression. Here are a few of the symptoms of having done so:
- You look happy on the outside, but are exceedingly sad on the inside.
- You don’t like yourself very much.
- You are lacking in self-confidence.
- You only feel good when you have the approval of others.
- You console yourself with the fact that others may think you have “made it”. Even though you don’t feel like you have and are unfulfilled.
- You do not feel free to do anything new or express yourself from the heart, because it might rock the boat of other people’s expectations.
- You feel terrified at the thought of losing the approval of others.
- You believe that the consequences of losing other’s approval far outweighs the enormous gifts of being yourself.
The funny thing about this list is that it is mainly your own disapproval of yourself that is standing in your way. You have set a standard for yourself that is dictated by other people, not by your own heart.
How to reclaim your authenticity
The ease with which you can reclaim your authenticity is dependent upon how much of your life is consumed by self-denial. But whatever the case, the best way to start is with baby steps, until you feel that you have fully reclaimed who you are, and are comfortable being the authentic you. So here are some simple things to contemplate that can help you to get back on track with validating your own, true self-expression.
- First, you must assess where you are. Make a list of all the places in your life where you feel you are not being yourself. Where do you feel that you must put on an “act” in order to feel accepted?
- Now choose one of these areas that you feel would be the easiest for you to make changes in. Choose the least confrontational first.
- Focus your energy in this area. Notice your behavior around others. Do you feel free to express yourself authentically? Or are you always careful to say what you believe is the “right thing”?
- Start making little changes in this area. Test the waters. Can you express yourself in unexpected ways that are truer to what you feel? Start to cultivate courage in saying what is in your heart. Learn to do this in respectful ways that also honor the feelings of others who may think differently from you.
- As you start to loosen up, you can begin to look at other areas that may be more difficult for you. Again, start with small changes and work your way into bigger changes. The whole idea is to align your expression with your unique, individual, creative self.
- Eventually, you may find yourself wanting to make some larger life changes and opening up new avenues of expression for your passion and even your life’s purpose.
Important things to remember
The idea in being authentic is to become more of who you are. It is not about alienating other people. With that said, there might be some people who do not want you to change because their identity is dependent on you being entirely predictable.
Make your changes with sensitivity and love. Respect the opinion of others, without compromising your own. Be sincere, not harsh. In spite of what others may think of you, remember that you are the one that you will face if you waste your life for the approval of others. You are ultimately the one who will suffer.
Being authentic does not mean being mean, cruel, or vindictive just because you feel like it. Merely feeling like doing something does not necessarily equate authenticity. You might just be reacting to circumstances, which is something altogether different. True authenticity is always an expression of love, because it comes from your highest, truest, most sincere self. Your true self is made of love. Causing harm or hurt to someone is not a product of authentic love.
There will always be people who don’t want you to change. You will have to find a way to navigate these relationships and decide if they are in your best interest or not. You will have to decide the level of compromise that you can or cannot make, and still be true to yourself.
The more that you can live an authentic life, the happier you will be. And the easier it will be to reach your full potential as a human being, because you will be living as the captain of your own ship.
You will begin to experience a freedom and empowerment that you never imagined possible in your previous state of seeking the approval of others. And ironically, people may be even more drawn to you because you will be living the type of life that they would love to live for themselves. You therefore give them courage and hope that what you have done may also be possible for them.
Your authenticity not only empowers you, but it also empowers others by showing them that it can be done. Authenticity is profoundly magnetic!
There will always be naysayers. Just remember that what these people are saying is not really about you. What they are actually saying is that what you are doing is not something they would ever want to do themselves. If they speak against you forcefully, it is only because they need to make that forceful statement to themselves.
You have merely provided them with a focal point and an opportunity. You have given them an opportunity to make a strong statement to themselves that they will never go down that path of free self-expression. They are just erroneously using you as the object of their statement. So just ignore it, and let them be. You do not have to defend what God created you to be.
Set yourself free, live from your heart, be loving towards others, and you will have a wonderful life!
Do you have any stories about trying to fit in and what that felt like? What are your overall thoughts on this topic? I’d love to know! Share a comment with me below. 🙂
Hi Saratoga: I have been through a lot of this myself with my family. They are always trying to control me and force me to fit into their box because they think I am “not right”. I no longer buy into it and it freaks them out, because they can’t understand what resources (such as approval and support) I could possibly have when not operating according to their program. I have recently concluded that I terrify the living daylights out of them. This on its’ own is delicious, not to mention the obvious worthwhile-ness of having had to deal with so much for so many years.
Aynslie
Wow, Aynslie, this is such an example of what I am talking about. It’s interesting that you say your family cannot understand what resources you could have in living out of the box. Yet, clearly, you are fine! And probably better than fine because you are being true to yourself.
It’s funny that you say they think you are “not right”. That is a big deal for a lot of people in society. Many people put themselves through so much unnecessary pain because they think that the measure of their being “right” in this sense, is determined by how well they are able to conform.
I wonder where this thing about conforming got started and then so entrenched. Why can’t we humans love and accept the fact that we are each unique? Think how amazing this world would be if each person could fully and freely express their unique, divine nature without judgement.
I am married for 38 yrs. this person has turned into a slob, wants to eat all the time and watch tv. I want to be in nature write and express myself in positive ways. He really sucks out the energy from me. Help me !
Here’s some more background info. I have always felt I never fit in. Always the outsider worrying about how people will feel when I do free thinking with them (outside the box). I always I guess you could say marched to a different tune than the norm! I am 61 years old and I want want to move up to a higher plane of thinking and helping others! But the husband just drags me down with his annoying habits and I feel like I’m stuck in the mud and sinking down!
Dear Laurie,
I read your story and don’t know if my story will help you at all, but here it is.
I was in a relationship where my partner judged me severely for not living up to his expectations, he belittled my alternative studies and he had many double standards about how things were. I dearly loved my partner and my step son and didn’t want to rock the boat so I kept thinking of ways in which I could improve our relationship. We saw counselors and I did a lot of work on myself during the 8 1/2 year long relationship. My partner liked the way he was, felt he was justified, couldn’t see the double standard he was living and was extremely self-righteous about his stance toward me. He didn’t change at all during our time together, it was always his way or the highway. That is his right to choose to be inflexible and “right” all the time, if he wishes, but it wears away at a relationship heavily. A relationship is with 2 people, not just one.
My partner’s actions and judgement toward me hurt, but I put up with it for a long while. He only did things he wanted to do, his way, judged me constantly and never kept any promises that he made to me. The last year and a half that we were together, when I was out of the house I kept thinking of anything I could go and do not to go home. I was so unhappy until December 1, 2014 when I realized that we were just not compatible any longer. So at 65 years of age I decided to make myself happy and choose love for myself. My partner just wanted to use me to contribute to the finances, to raising his son and doing chores around the house. That was not good enough for me anymore.
I announced to him that it was over and I would move out as soon as I could. February 2015 was when I did so. I am so much happier now. I love my step son and we still have a relationship. I am looking for a roommate to help me with the finances now and I can continue to live up to who I am, a sensitive, different drum marcher, instead of who my partner wanted me to be.
Blessings to you,
Vandya
Vandya, thank you for being so generous in sharing your story to help Laurie. Sending you love and blessings! 🙂
Laurie, I can’t tell you what to do in this situation, but Vandya has generously shared her story with love to perhaps offer you some help and a sense that you are not alone.
I love the fact that you say that you want to move to a higher plane of thinking, help others, be in nature, write, and express yourself in positive ways. These are all beautiful goals!
The fact that you say you have never fit in is probably an indication that you have some special gifts. It sounds like you are really yearning to develop those gifts and live at a higher level.
I hope that you will find the answers that you seek. You can always ask your guardian angels for guidance and support as to what to do. Listen to your heart. I’m sending you lots of love and blessings!
Saratoga —- thank you for giving your personal experience. I’ve always had the sense that this is what life should be — each person expressing Who they really are. And, that this expression would be a natural contribution to others. Natural attractions would bring creative possibilities together, and it would represent how God, or the universe, naturally works. That we each are a part of that God, Source or whatever name fits for each one — each a “God-particle” so to speak. Actually doing this is challenging, to say the least!
-Gerry Eitner
Hi there, Gerry! It’s nice to hear from you again. 🙂
I totally agree with you. Actually, this is how nature works. A forest is a great example of this. Everything in the forest is true to how it was created. And every single thing contributes its presence to the greater whole. I think this is why a forest is so beautiful and why we are so naturally attracted to nature.
Can you imagine if every living thing in the forest behaved like humans do? Wow! How in the world could that work? All of the trees, all of the creatures, the insects, the plants, – literally everything – would be debating about who was right, who was wrong, what is the “correct” way for everyone to be, etc.
You would definitely need to have a government to rule over all the inter-forest pandemonium and strife. What a crazy idea! And yet, that’s how we live every day. Weird, isn’t it?
I have always felt different. Maybe because I had 3 brothers and no sisters and my mom was so stressed out trying to be the “super” mom and wife and employee so she was uptight a lot. I understand why she was that way because my dad didn’t help at all. I learned to celebrate my difference and was good at standing up for myself until I married and before I was married a year I caught him with my best friend.i remarried a verbal abuser. He loves at arms length. To desire me and treat me like a woman is a weakness to him and causes a fear that I’m going to take that rope and tighten it around his neck. I’ve been a buddy for 30 years except when he decides to take things out on me and say things no man should say to his wife. I have a masters degree now in his manipulative games. In the last 6 years I quit my job and became a was caretaker. My dad died, my baby brother died, my husband had quadruple bypass with progressive heart failure and my mom died. I thought I had died and gone to hell. I was burned out and scared to death of being left alone even if my relationship with my husband isn’t what I wanted I hate losing someone and feeling so lonely. Until I got an email from Saratoga Ocean.
I’m dealing with what is and living one day at a time. I finally took a stand with hubby and said no more! His games don’t work anymore. He first want the bills, the cooking, cleaning, etc… Finally I told him and showed him what lack of respect for his wants and needs feels like. Now I’m doing what I want to do and I’m finding that young lady I lost so long ago. Thank you. I’ve been trying so hard, but the lights came on when I read your email! I’ve lived with depression, anxiety and sickness for so long! I’m going to love myself worth it! I finally know what and who I want to be and she really was there the whole time!! Forever grateful,
Oh my gosh, Wana. What a profound story! How beautiful that you have found your true self and love yourself again.
It sounds like you are coming into a whole new life, and one that can bring you the joy and fulfillment that you have long deserved.
I’m sending you so much love and tons of blessings. And a big, beautiful hug! xoxo
Thank you so much for sharing with us.
First of all,I must say I thank god you stayed true to your authentic self!Would miss theese so much.Can’t write about a lot of lifes stories here ,It would take ten pages.All’s I know for sure is I have to keep on authentic path or I would shrivial up and probally die.Looking back on my life I see why I had to endure certain things to learn,I am grateful for those times now.I also know many frriend and acquaintances,think I’m crazy or evil ha.Yet they keep coming back.Love nature learning ,have a great imagination.I never seem to get bored,while I see so many having to run around to movies,partys etc.thinking it brings joy,ya know the outside world.I also look unsuccessful to many(mostly material istically speaking).I AM not.My only seemingly problem is still not knowing where I would be of greatest service?Healing,teaching compassion to kids,etc.?Ask for help for me on that ok?Namaste
Titia, I love the point you make here about not being bored. When you are authentic, your creative, expressive energy flows much more easily and it makes you a much more interesting person – even to yourself.
I think when people feel a need to be fake, in order to please others, they become very boring to themselves and thus the need for entertaining distractions. It’s like putting yourself in a box where you can hardly move.
In reference to my own story that I told here, believe me, I was exceedingly boring to myself in those artificial situations.
I think it’s great that you want to be of service to others. I wonder if you could do something to empower and encourage others (especially kids) to be themselves and honor their uniqueness? People could certainly use a lot of support in that area. There is so much fear about this – especially with kids who often have their entire self-worth hinging on their ability to conform.
I know that there can be some bullying issues for kids who don’t conform, and I sometimes wonder if the only safe way to do this is for such kids to position themselves as leaders, rather than followers. Or maybe it’s an issue of self-love and self-respect.
Anyway, just some brainstorming ideas! Sending you love and blessings to find your special path of service in the world. 🙂
Wow … what amazing stories! And such courageous women to make such profound changes–I’m inspired. The more I stay true to myself the more I realize how connected I am with others. I don’t have anything to prove anymore because that clearly doesn’t work for me. If other people don’t accept me for who I am, then there’s not much I can do about that and there isn’t any basis for a relationship anyway. A few of my closest relationships have fallen away which I’m sad about, but I just can’t live that way anymore. I’ve moved away from trying to be what people expect of me and in those cases it’s like the relationship just bottoms out since I’m not on that wheel anymore.
When I’m being authentic, it’s the only time I feel happy, I find I attract good things into my life. When I play a part for someone else, I see that any negative reactions I get (or feel within) stem from my own weakness, or inability in certain situations or with certain people, to stand up for who I am. It’s like a mirror. When I’m being my authentic self everything flows so much more naturally in my life, and it feels right.
I never understood why so many situations and relationships didn’t work in my life. It was because I was always buying into what everyone else wanted me to be. I let myself slip away. What a waste of me that was. I’ve made a decision–I’m not going to try and be someone I’m not. Actually, it seems to be happening quite naturally as I stay aware–it’s just too uncomfortable to live that lie. I’m peeling the onion and letting myself out… I even lost 20 pounds over the past two years. My whole being is resonating … and I’m listening to myself, finally! Now it’s time to take the empty-handed leap into the void and take authentic action from this place inside.
Thank you, Saratoga, for the constant stream of truth. it’s getting easier as I resonate with my true self, though it’s a journey in self-awareness as I take action from who I truly am.
With love …. Leigh
Leigh, I think you summed it all up when you said the only time you are happy is when you are being authentic. It’s amazing how simple and true this is, isn’t it? I wholeheartedly agree, and would say the same thing for myself.
Congratulations on losing 20 pounds! That’s the best, most lasting way – to do it over a period of time. That is much more likely to lead to a permanent physical change.
Much love to you! Namasté
Thank you for your amazing support, Saratoga. And funny re the weight loss, I didn’t go on a diet or anything, or try or do anything special. It’s a non issue so it’s permanent. The outer layers I didn’t need anymore for protection fell away. I almost didn’t notice. I just listened to my own intelligence and responded to what my body wanted… a few simple changes. I mean we all know what we each need… so, in being my authentic self it all just happens naturally, because that’s what “I”
all of me… on every level, wants. Abundance in all things… and I need to live from a place of grounded health… of course always in progress as I continue to evolve.
I wish you a Happy Thanksgiving! To you and Telstar, our extended family here in this realm.
Love always… and Namaste too!
Thanks so much for your encouragement and acknowledgement ….!!!